Silently Screaming

05 Aug


We were watching Duck Dynasty, but we only caught the last few minutes of it. Soon, another show was on. It was bad enough that the first few words out of the guy on camera’s mouth were cuss words. I asked for whoever had the remote to change the channel. They didn’t hear me. So, I continued to watch as a box on a forklift labeled “FRAGILE” was lowered to the ground. Halfway to the ground the box opened up and a long item wrapped in bubble wrap fell out. It didn’t take me long to realize what it was. I quickly shut my eyes and my pleas for turning it off get much more urgent.

We all have THAT fear. The one that makes you feel cold and hot at the same time. The one that makes you want to throw up and wet your pants. The one that is your worst nightmare. (I honestly hope your’s isn’t spiders. Sincerely sorry if it was. 😦 ) See, I am a necrophobic and I usually say that with no explanation, leaving people to Google it for themselves, because even talking about it makes my face feel hot and my body break into a cold sweat. Let’s just say that it would be my worst nightmare to walk into a morgue. You couldn’t pay me a million bucks to do so. Or to come across the victim of a murder. Now, there are other, smaller things I am afraid of, like heights or the dark or snakes, but necrophobia is my worst. My family all likes to watch shows like NCIS, CSI, Criminal Minds, etc. I have to leave the room.

I remember the first time I went to a funeral. I was 15, so I should have been plenty old enough. Mom and Dad wanted all us kids to go, especially since we didn’t know the man. No one knew it was an open casket. We walked in, I saw the casket and my hands instantly got clammy. We sat down, towards the back, because Mom figured then we wouldn’t be able to see. I realized much too quickly that the church sloped downward. The further back you were, the higher you were. I could see his plasticky face perfectly. I kept my eyes down at my feet, feeling like I might pass out at any moment and trying not to hyperventilate. Mom asked us each how we were. She got to me and I couldn’t talk. She asked if I was sad, I spoke my head. She asked if I wanted to go down and see him. Even though I knew I probably should, that maybe it would solve my fear, I just couldn’t. I was feeling very sick. I started crying because she wasn’t getting it. She finally told me to go out to the van. I left. She came out later and talked with me. I tried to explain, but she wasn’t quite getting it. She thought I was having a hard time with death. She explained that it’s just a shell now. I was like, “Don’t you get that that’s what I am afraid of?” I can handle a funeral as long as it’s closed casket, or a memorial service. I just have to not be able to see anything.

Why are we sometimes drawn to what terrifies us? Why do people watch movies that make them scream? Why is fear entertaining? Sometimes I start to watch something I know I can’t, because it draws you in. You have to know whodunit, right? Well, yeah, it’d be hard to walk away because then you’d be left to your imagination, but at the same time, if you stay and let it suck you in, then you end up with nightmares. Therefore, I make the choice to leave the room immediately.

Some fears, I believe, are conquerable. If you have a bout of butterflies before riding a scary roller coaster, sometimes you can ride it and when you’re done feel like it was no big deal and wonder why you were scared of it in the first place! Or singing on stage.

Some fears are irrational. You might be afraid of dolls, or of having your picture taken, or a fear of CGI robots (Yes, I am afraid of computer animated robots. I don’t know why. Not a fan of the movie Robots. LOL) or even a person with OCD’s fear of unevenness.

Some fears are healthy fears. A fear of Hell. A fear of car crashes. A fear of evil. A fear of sharks. A fear of terrorists. A fear of the unknown.

Sometimes I lay in bed, unable to fall asleep, afraid to close my eyes. I just have to remind myself of a few things.

1. That God does everything for a reason. Everyone has a time to die. Some may be murdered, some may die in their sleep or in a car accident. We don’t know, but if He has a time for everyone, then I have to trust that no one is going to break in to my house and murder my family if that’s not what he has planned. And if that is what is supposed to happen, well, He has some sort of eternal purpose for it. It’s already planned, He knows how each of us will die, but, if we’re Believers in Him, then we have no reason to worry about what is on the other side of life.

2. That He is the ultimate source of comfort, protection and peace. He calmed the waters. He told us not to fear. He is with us when we walk though the valleys of death. We all have a purpose in life and He will take us only when we have fulfilled that purpose.

3. That He has already won the war over evil. Yes. The world is awful. It is chock full of evil. Adam and Eve really screwed up. The world is scary. It really is. But good always wins over evil and someday, God WILL win the ultimate Good vs. Evil war.

This was kind of an uncomfortable post to write, so I hope it benefitted someone. 🙂

1 Comment

Posted by on August 5, 2013 in Random Thoughts


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One response to “Silently Screaming

  1. Ruth Hamilton

    August 6, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    As always, your writing rings honest and true. My goodness, you are a jolly brave person to write that publicly! Your posts are such a blessing and an encouragement. I hope you never, EVER stop writing because you are amazingly talented. I’m personally terrified of ghosts.You couldn’t get me to watch a horror movie for all the money in the world! I know Jesus is in control and his blood is our protection and all that, but it’s still a very real fear of mine. Thank you for your transparency, you really are a blessing 🙂


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