Monthly Archives: August 2013

Silently Screaming


We were watching Duck Dynasty, but we only caught the last few minutes of it. Soon, another show was on. It was bad enough that the first few words out of the guy on camera’s mouth were cuss words. I asked for whoever had the remote to change the channel. They didn’t hear me. So, I continued to watch as a box on a forklift labeled “FRAGILE” was lowered to the ground. Halfway to the ground the box opened up and a long item wrapped in bubble wrap fell out. It didn’t take me long to realize what it was. I quickly shut my eyes and my pleas for turning it off get much more urgent.

We all have THAT fear. The one that makes you feel cold and hot at the same time. The one that makes you want to throw up and wet your pants. The one that is your worst nightmare. (I honestly hope your’s isn’t spiders. Sincerely sorry if it was. 😦 ) See, I am a necrophobic and I usually say that with no explanation, leaving people to Google it for themselves, because even talking about it makes my face feel hot and my body break into a cold sweat. Let’s just say that it would be my worst nightmare to walk into a morgue. You couldn’t pay me a million bucks to do so. Or to come across the victim of a murder. Now, there are other, smaller things I am afraid of, like heights or the dark or snakes, but necrophobia is my worst. My family all likes to watch shows like NCIS, CSI, Criminal Minds, etc. I have to leave the room.

I remember the first time I went to a funeral. I was 15, so I should have been plenty old enough. Mom and Dad wanted all us kids to go, especially since we didn’t know the man. No one knew it was an open casket. We walked in, I saw the casket and my hands instantly got clammy. We sat down, towards the back, because Mom figured then we wouldn’t be able to see. I realized much too quickly that the church sloped downward. The further back you were, the higher you were. I could see his plasticky face perfectly. I kept my eyes down at my feet, feeling like I might pass out at any moment and trying not to hyperventilate. Mom asked us each how we were. She got to me and I couldn’t talk. She asked if I was sad, I spoke my head. She asked if I wanted to go down and see him. Even though I knew I probably should, that maybe it would solve my fear, I just couldn’t. I was feeling very sick. I started crying because she wasn’t getting it. She finally told me to go out to the van. I left. She came out later and talked with me. I tried to explain, but she wasn’t quite getting it. She thought I was having a hard time with death. She explained that it’s just a shell now. I was like, “Don’t you get that that’s what I am afraid of?” I can handle a funeral as long as it’s closed casket, or a memorial service. I just have to not be able to see anything.

Why are we sometimes drawn to what terrifies us? Why do people watch movies that make them scream? Why is fear entertaining? Sometimes I start to watch something I know I can’t, because it draws you in. You have to know whodunit, right? Well, yeah, it’d be hard to walk away because then you’d be left to your imagination, but at the same time, if you stay and let it suck you in, then you end up with nightmares. Therefore, I make the choice to leave the room immediately.

Some fears, I believe, are conquerable. If you have a bout of butterflies before riding a scary roller coaster, sometimes you can ride it and when you’re done feel like it was no big deal and wonder why you were scared of it in the first place! Or singing on stage.

Some fears are irrational. You might be afraid of dolls, or of having your picture taken, or a fear of CGI robots (Yes, I am afraid of computer animated robots. I don’t know why. Not a fan of the movie Robots. LOL) or even a person with OCD’s fear of unevenness.

Some fears are healthy fears. A fear of Hell. A fear of car crashes. A fear of evil. A fear of sharks. A fear of terrorists. A fear of the unknown.

Sometimes I lay in bed, unable to fall asleep, afraid to close my eyes. I just have to remind myself of a few things.

1. That God does everything for a reason. Everyone has a time to die. Some may be murdered, some may die in their sleep or in a car accident. We don’t know, but if He has a time for everyone, then I have to trust that no one is going to break in to my house and murder my family if that’s not what he has planned. And if that is what is supposed to happen, well, He has some sort of eternal purpose for it. It’s already planned, He knows how each of us will die, but, if we’re Believers in Him, then we have no reason to worry about what is on the other side of life.

2. That He is the ultimate source of comfort, protection and peace. He calmed the waters. He told us not to fear. He is with us when we walk though the valleys of death. We all have a purpose in life and He will take us only when we have fulfilled that purpose.

3. That He has already won the war over evil. Yes. The world is awful. It is chock full of evil. Adam and Eve really screwed up. The world is scary. It really is. But good always wins over evil and someday, God WILL win the ultimate Good vs. Evil war.

This was kind of an uncomfortable post to write, so I hope it benefitted someone. 🙂

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Posted by on August 5, 2013 in Random Thoughts


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Rootbeer Floats


“I’ll be the cowboy and you be the horse!” We had just finished those rootbeer floats we had every time we spent the night at Grandma’s house and we were in no hurry to wipe off our rootbeer float mustaches. It was a ritual. Drink the float, save the mustache, I’d be the cowboy and she’d be the horse. Following that we would go get ready for bed, finishing with getting in to Grandma’s vanilla lotion that smelled so good. Next, would be fighting over who’s turn it was to have the trundle bed before crawling in to watch Madeline. That was us. Me and her. My cousin and I.

My Dad’s brother married her mom when she was 5. From that moment on, she was my cousin, regardless of that fact that she wasn’t blood related, even though people say we look related. We were close. When she was 10, he divorced her mom, but she was still Cousin to us.

Eventually, we moved several states away, a two day drive separating us. We didn’t let that change anything. For a while, we shipped her out, by plane, for a two week visit, one to two times a year. We had lots of fun and midnight talks, talking about boys, and life in general. There was one year that she came as a Christmas gift. We were supposed to go to Grandma’s house to open our traditional stockings. When we arrived there we saw a big, huge box, all wrapped in pretty paper. We were instructed to open the box from the bottom up. Nobody knew what was inside. Was it a trampoline? What could be so big? As we neared closer to the top, out she popped! It had been several years since we had seen her, so we had a hard time figuring out who this “woman” was in out grandparents living room was. Once we knew, it was quickly decided that that was the best Christmas gift ever. We always looked forward to having her out, though they always ended in tears, hugs and painful goodbyes in the airport.

When she wasn’t with us, things didn’t always go so well for her and I. I loved to talk about God, she thought that that “God stuff” wasn’t for her. There were times when we would get into huge arguments, ending in her not talking to me for an entire year at times. Yet, I never stopped loving her, never stopped praying for her to come to know the God I knew. We went through this cycle for many years. When I was little I had even prayed my parents would adopt her, that my parents could be the parents she needed.

This year, everything changed.

She came to us on a semi truck. Her boyfriend, the driver, and her got in a fight and she had nowhere to go. The day she called us seemed like one of the best days of my life. My prayers had been answered. She would finally be living around the better influences of the people who loved her. However, given her history, we didn’t figure she would stay longer than two months at the most. She has been here a year now. The fact that she was living here, didn’t change the fact that I continued to pray for her. The rest of our family has given up on her. We’re the only ones left, sticking to our promises of always being here for her, and always loving her.

It has been amazing watching her grow and change. The last few months she has been asking consistently to attend church with us. She has been more interested in the things of God. Her life has changed drastically. It’s so neat watching her draw closer to God, and in the mean time, she and I are growing closer. 🙂 I look forward to seeing what wonderful plans God has for her.

Me, my cousin, and Mom.

You can read my Mom’s blog post about her here.


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Posted by on August 3, 2013 in Random Thoughts


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